05 April 2010

Against Sideburns

As I have previously disclosed in this column, there are few things that drive me to anger more than the sight of sideburns. Now normally I am a friendly sort of chap: chummy, affable, incredibly good-looking, the kind of guy you think you would enjoy having a drink with (that is, until the conversation reveals we have absolutely nothing in common). It is rare that I lose my prep cool in a way that would make Greenwich debutantes run for cover. But temptation does approach me, frequently in the form of sideburns on the face of a smarmy hipster or perfumed player in denim. Sideburns on a man, I believe, are a red flag, a provocative act, a declaration of war, and as such an occasion for us to judge and condemn. They are a serious failure of good taste for which forgiveness can rarely be offered. Sideburns, in short, leave me hot under the collar of my Brooks Brothers OCBD. Am I being unjustifiably harsh? Perhaps. But it is for your own good. Sideburns are a leading cause of impotence and low sperm count. So avoid them. Your future depends on it.

10 comments:

  1. Yep. They remind me of that unpleasant decade...the '70's when sensible men suddenly grew them-wore turtlenecks with polyester leisure suits. Damn.

    I am though, all for low sperm count.

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  2. Come down off that horse of height, sir.

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  3. Hear! Hear!

    Couldn't agree more.

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  4. Negative. Consider the dashing gentlemen of Regency England. J.M.W. Turner & Co.

    ~Hilton

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  5. My modest sideburns and I beg to differ. And I really doubt they'd cause you much offense if we were to meet.

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  6. Yes, they are a sign of hipster/steam punk affectation but I'd take sideburns over a moustache any day.

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  7. Lisa ~ I like beards and moustaches, in season.

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  8. Old School took the words right out of my mouth.

    I couldn't agree with you more.

    One possible exception: If one will be attending a theme party, and the theme is "trailer park," "red neck," etc. one might grow them temporarily.

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