Against Sideburns

As I have previously disclosed in this column, there are few things that drive me to anger more than the sight of sideburns. Now normally I am a friendly sort of chap: chummy, affable, incredibly good-looking, the kind of guy you think you would enjoy having a drink with (that is, until the conversation reveals we have absolutely nothing in common). It is rare that I lose my prep cool in a way that would make Greenwich debutantes run for cover. But temptation does approach me, frequently in the form of sideburns on the face of a smarmy hipster or perfumed player in denim. Sideburns on a man, I believe, are a red flag, a provocative act, a declaration of war, and as such an occasion for us to judge and condemn. They are a serious failure of good taste for which forgiveness can rarely be offered. Sideburns, in short, leave me hot under the collar of my Brooks Brothers OCBD. Am I being unjustifiably harsh? Perhaps. But it is for your own good. Sideburns are a leading cause of impotence and low sperm count. So avoid them. Your future depends on it.