Various Affairs

You should not laugh when I tell you I receive hand-written notes from chaps and ladies seeking my views on various topics. What they must be thinking, I have no idea. Despite what you read in the papers, I am not in the business of providing advice. I am the absolute last person to weigh in on serious matters. It is a situation I avoid at all cost. Dullness, of course, is a cardinal sin. If I am attending a garden party in a khaki suit and madras tie and a dripping hot brunette asks my opinion on, say, interior design or the sexual habits of celebrities, I quickly change the subject and offer to show her the unique orbital patterns of the inner moons of Saturn. No, my advice is limited to money, as you know, and it is quite simple: Save it. There is more to life than buying and selling widgets. Find the courage to resist consumerist temptations. Shun the merchants and moneychangers. Live your life according to the higher sartorial principles. But if you must, then spend your money on basic necessities, such as beautiful women, fine food, rare imported wines, tailored suits, exotic holidays, and bespoke shoes from London. There is no shame in living within your budget, especially if it is the size of a small Central African country.