The Admiral Cod Guide to Dating (1): How to Secure a Date

The modern world offers many situations where men and women can socialise together, providing the romantifically-minded chap abundant opportunity to search for his one-and-only. She is there for the taking. The first step to securing a date, of course, is to start a conversation. Sadly, the art of the conversation has been neglected by generations of youths raised in the age of the Interwebs. Excessive Interweb use, as we all know, leads to blindness and involuntary singlehood. But there is a way out. Through years of experimentation and overwhelming success I have found the following topics offer failsafe methods for securing a first date. Let us examine them.

(i) Perfume. Ladies like to smell nice. Compliment your potential companion on her scent. Its unique bouquet, you must tell her, is unlike anything you have ever encountered. This will demonstrate to her both your sensitive nature and your feminine side. Note, I did not say feminist side. There is a difference. You might emit an odour not unlike that of an under-buttock of an old race horse and remain unaware of it, but it is essential you let your intended know she smells like an angel from Heaven.

(ii) Carbohydrates. Approach the lady of your intended devotions with a walnut muffin in hand and gently ask her if she knows how many carbs are in it. This is important, you should explain to her, because you are in training for an upcoming charity 10K road race, "my fourth or fifth charity run this year". Not only will it draw her thoughts to your fine physique, including your large biceps and tanned sculpted thighs, but she will also be touched by your selfless concern for orphaned puppies and abandoned babies.

(iii) Women's Accessories. If you spot a beautiful lady with an expensive-looking handbag, resist the natural temptation to run into the nearest hotel bar for a cocktail or two with your chums. Instead approach her in a casual manner and compliment her on her choice of accessory. Comment on the item's exquisite craftsmanship: the beautiful Italian leather, gleaming hardware, and elegant stitching. She will be impressed by your attention to detail and appreciation for fine quality, and, flattered, will examine your wrist-watch and shoes to ascertain your worth. Which is why it is important--as I keep telling you--to wear fine makes such as Rolex and Cleverley. These things matter.