26 March 2012

Handshake Method

How do you shake hands? An Interweb colleague recently offered instruction on the proper handshake method. Shake hands like a man! It's excellent, timely advice that more of our chaps should take to heart. As usual, I've a few words to say on the topic.

In my line of work I meet a lot of people. I enjoy it. It's an opportunity to make a solid first impression. I consistently offer a solid, firm handshake with a straightforward look in the eyes. But I’ve noticed more and more men--many of them of the non-white variety--offer a “fist bump” instead. It sometimes also occurs as a congratulatory gesture.

My reaction is: “What the fuck is that?!” They laugh nervously in response.

My own theory is that the “fist bump” is a sort of shit-test that non-whites and liberal-democrats deploy against White men to determine our “coolness”, “hipness”, political/racial sympathies, etc.. In other words, it's complete bullshit and we should call them on it.

As you are aware, resistance to the system occurs daily on a personal basis. From seemingly insignificant behaviours comes real dissidence. Stand up to the savages. And then knock them down.

23 comments:

Michael said...

Weird, I'm liberal and I don't find bump. Neither do any liberal acquaintances of mine. The only commonality I've found is men who offer strangers fistbumps are post-adolescent (which can last a lifetime for some guys) or drunk. And I can assure you there are conservatives who fistbump- visit any college town for evidence of it.

Bruce Partington-Plans said...

I've not come across this "fist bump" before - perhaps it is a purely American affectation.

I agree about the importance of handshakes to first impressions, though. I'm afraid the limp-gripped variety - or even worse the clammy limp-gripped sort - doesn't endear the other person to me one bit. I'd rather they didn't shake my hand at all if that's the best they can do. Hell, I'd rather have my hand mangled by a bone-crushing shake than endure a wet hold.

La Sombra Sofisticada said...

Hahaha! They are such idiots. What a pleasure it would have been to return that "fist bump" on their nose.

Anonymous said...

"Conservatives", i.e. liberal-democrats.

DEK said...

Oh, dear. I can only imagine that Episcopalians will soon be exchanging the Fist-Bump of Peace.

Ivoire said...

How refreshing it is to hear someone refer to savages as savages.

Michael said...

You would not find conservatives in "any college town."

I insist on a good handshake and if for some reason I am "short handed" I insist on a "re-shake." By short handed, I mean that the other party initiates the shake before a good grip has been fully engaged. Infuriating.

I know more lefties who offer a fish hand. Awful.

MGM said...

well, I think a lot depends on the circumstances. If, for example, you find yourself in a room with people wearing suits, then a fist bump is NEVER appropriate, no matter how well you know the people. On the other hand, I don't think many people shake hands in informal settings. When I meet a "friend of a friend," for example, very rarely does that person ever shake my hand. The fist bump is usually more common. So a lot depends on the circumstances.

Now, a word about handshakes when they are appropriate (i.e. in the business/professional world). In my experience, a firm handshake is mandatory. I can distinctly remember being turned off on several occasions by someone giving me a limp handshake. It just does not send a strong signal.

The Leopard said...

Here in South Texas we don't fist bump, ever, we shake hands like real men should. I rate fist bumps down there with the dead fish and the cologne hand, weak.

Cornet Carmichael said...

Bugger this nonsense; I need someone to help me unjam the Gatling...

Chester Williams said...

I just recently watched the documentary "The 16th Man." There is some great footage of Nelson Mandela shaking the hands of the Springboks at a practice and right before the World Cup final in 1995. Moving stuff. You should give it a watch Admiral.

Grausig Grantiger Gemahl said...

You know my way of joking around, rastafarian-holla-style, so yes a fist-bump, is part of my joke-repartoire and is used weekly with my younger peers during work. Never when professional, but always when joking. I personally trie to avoid each and every contact to a mans bacteria-filled hands nowadays in my nonchalant private life.

Ryu said...

The fist bump is negro behavior. We don't need to imitate blacks to be cool or hip.

Lisa G said...

Sometimes at work we do the "fist bump", but only if we don't want to spread germs around the office or pick up something from the people we encounter. We all have hand sanitizer at our desks for those who insist on shaking hands.

Sounds like I'm missing the point here but I'm not - I always give a firm handshake, and often get compliments on it from men and women. No lily-limp shakes from me!

Reggie Darling said...

I don't get too many fist bumps, but I do from time to time get a hipster handshake, that has more to do with locking thumbs than actually shaking hands. Needless to say, I steadfastly refuse it, and demand a "real" hand shake. Like a man.

NJS said...

My wife and I have, to the astonishment of onlookers, perfected a celebratory procedure of: low five, high five, handshake; yo-bro shake (the thumb thang); elbow touch, ending with a high minstrel wave. Quite impressive and I am really unsure whether it derives from post-modern irony or just a sense of fun.

NJS said...

After careful consideration, we have now added a fist bump as the first move. So it now goes: fist bump; low five; high five; handshake; yo-bro shake; elbow touch, ending with the high minstrel wave and a loud "Yo!".

Lisa G said...

NJS - It's fun to have the fist bump at the end, and then wiggle your fingers while making an explosion noise. :D

Pat Hannagan said...

In my dreams when I hit my ton against the Poms at the Oval, I reject the shazam! glove touch and merely acknowledge the crowd. With a raised bat periscope. Nothing more.

And a shake of my partner's hand. Nod to the opposing captain. Then settle in for my next 50.

Yesterday at footy training for one of my lads I had the opportunity to shake hands thrice. And each was a missed opportunity. 1 catch a bit of thumb, 2 fingers, and 3 rushed and gone.

And these were "working class" men. Is it so hard to simply meet each other's hand straight out and eyes meet? Apparently so.

And on each occasion were darting furtive eyes.

These are troubling times.

Laguna Beach Fogey said...

PH ~ Indeed. The world is going to hell, one limp-wristed handshake at a time. Drink up.

NJS said...

Lisa G - Yes, I can see that, we`ll try it out! So it ends elbow touch, fist bump and wave with explosive noise.

Basque Corsair said...

A pet peeve of mine is when a man's handshake feels like a piece of cold cod on a windy on the Bay of Biscay.

Anonymous said...

After sinking a 20 footer on the course, a fist bump from the foursome is quite customary. After the 18th hole, a handshake is mandatory. Know the difference. If you go into an interview and give a fist bump, you don't deserve the job. The high five, which is similar to the fist bump has happened in EVERY sport and celebratory situation and so what's the difference? It's a time and place for everything. People on here are really being uptight and sound like dinosaurs. Seriously.