09 October 2012

Talent For Invective

The other morning, entering an office building, I failed to hold open the door for a female coming up behind me. She emitted a tiny gasp when I did so.

She was a young professional female in professional clothing with a seriously professional look on her face, slender and attractive, most likely with a university degree, who probably holds herself in extremely high regard and assumes everyone else does as well. You know the type.

It is with a bit of uneasiness that I admit it to you. I am generally regarded as a gentleman, "one of Nature's gentlemen" in fact, although, as I have pointed out before, I do not consider myself as such. Still, I am considered a well-mannered sort. These are reflections no doubt of my priviliged upbringing and education, for which I am grateful and for which I make no apologies. After they get to know me, of course, the assessment is that I am an arsehole, a solitary, and a sexual pervert, albeit one with sweetness and charm. But the initial impression remains.

Everyone of us has a unique talent. Mine is invective. From a very early age my mouth has landed me in trouble. My contempt, it seems, has a mind all its own. As I matured I was able to back up my words with the threat of physical harm. And now, at my age, it is married to an increasingly brutal, bleak view of our situation.

Several months ago one of the portfolio assistants, a chubby twentysomething girl from Chicago, approached me with an odd smile on her face. "So, William, what does a girl like me have to do to get a guy like you?", she asked, her head cocked to the side, hand on generous hip. Typical snarkiness replaced for once by vulnerability.

I wanted to tell her: "Stop stuffing your pretty mouth with fast food, you fat little pig". But instead I suggested she start attending a local gym (which, around here, function as a sort of singles club), or head to the beach, or take up kite-surfing.

"I can't help it that I'm overweight", another chapette with a hankering for yours truly recently explained. "It's in my genes".

"Indeed", I replied. I wanted to add: "I'm similarly genetically programmed to avoid fatties such as yourself, apart from procuring an occasional drunken blowjob in the bog. Your rolls of fat betray a defect of character and an insolent attitude. Now go eat a Twinkie".

But, I said nothing.

Progress, one might say, not perfection.

Sent from my iPhone

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

"the assessment is that I am an arsehole, a solitary, and a pervert, albeit one with a measure of charm and sweetness."

You and I have the same personality, the difference is that you are able to get women to sleep with you, and I stay home and watch TV. Sad but true!

Anonymous said...

"the assessment is that I am an arsehole, a solitary, and a pervert, albeit one with a measure of charm and sweetness."

You and I have the same personality, the difference is that you are able to get women to sleep with you, and I stay home and watch TV. Sad but true!

Anonymous said...

LBF, you are a gentleman as defined by Wilde - "...one who is never unintentionally rude."

Cheers
MJK

Mister Deutsch said...

I think you fit Jonathan Bowden's description of a 'cultured thug' quite well. The modern world is bereft of this sort of creature and suffers terribly as a result.

Tabitha said...

I am an arsehole, a solitary, and a pervert

It takes one to know one!

My genes are paleo and I can I put on weight like nobody's business even when eating healthily, iit would have been a great plus in ye olde days, not so much now.

Anonymous said...

In the day, Flash Harry would have called you a "killing gentleman"...

Herr Gehlen said...

If women weren't feminized, self hating hookers I might hold a door open. I do for real hookers...at least they are honest. And they offer a fair price.

Raised on Lifetime movies....fucking useless.

Anonymous said...

No doubt you have all sorts of women thinking they could bring out the 'real you' given a chance... it's highly unlikely they would succeed if they are that silly.

However, that said, you do seem to have a smooshy core under all the bluster.

Anonymous said...

Constant vigilance Tabs, keep up the good work and keep the fat off. Old age is not a valid excuse for downgrading one's standards!

FinnM said...

In my view the superior model of man is the Waldgänger or the anarch of Ernst Jünger's imagination and example. There one finds the true successor of the gentlemen-concept in our times, but without any of the nostalgia, sentimentality or irrelevancy with which the customs of gentleman are now associated.

I would personally hate identifying myself as a thug. Ernst Jünger killed a great many people and was afraid of nothing, but nobody would describe him as a "thug" or a "cultured thug."

Paxton said...

Interesting piece LBF...I thoroughly enjoy when you share these glimpses of your day to day events.

w. adam mandelbaum esq. said...

Usually the easiest and most permanent method for a fat woman to lose weight quickly and without significant effort is to die. Perhaps the next time one of that ilk asks you a similar question, the above advice might be offered.

Anonymous said...

Being a Southern Belle myself, a simple "my apologies" as you proceded to enter before her would have been better than nothing.