11 June 2014
In the wake of the Duchess of Cambridge's recent dress mishaps, it has come to my attention that the Palace has hired a female 'minder' to accompany her to ensure embarrassing incidents like these don't occur again. As a loyal supporter of the Crown, I should like it be known that I am perfectly willing and able to monitor her backside 24/7 to prevent further predicaments. I hereby offer my services. You know where to find me.