27 June 2013

Tears of a Cougar

You would be shocked, I think, if you knew what I got up to in my younger days.

You will have noticed I don't talk much about my bedroom affairs with the ladies. One reason being, I'm immersed in it all day (and night) long. And by 'it', I mean pussy and the acquisition thereof. Like real life itself, I'm usually too busy actually doing it to write about it. Still, a few words from the front line are in order.

Permit me to let you in on a secret. For years now, using intricate algorithms and unique qualitative evaluations, I've organised the females in my social orbit into three (3) precisely delineated groups. The last group, which I shall call 'C Squad', the subject of this report, consists of predatory, highly-sexed, single/divorced (or to-be-divorced) women in their 40s-50s, a.k.a. cougars.

Some background. Been there, done that--multiple times. I've at least a decade's worth of experience with this particular animal. In fact in the early days I led field excursions to collect data for research activities related to cougar-hunting, some of which you may have seen already. Our focus was on upscale sites in Newport Beach, including the infamous Quiet Woman, Bandera, R&D, and Gulfstream. Our excuse? We were young and dumb.

Now that I'm older, I can look back with more clarity. Let me assure you, cavorting with cougars can be soul-breaking work, especially for a charming, sensitive chap such as yours truly. And I say this because these women are desperately unhappy creatures, particularly the ones who are divorced and alone. And that includes most of them. This is the secret no one wants to talk about, least of all divorced women themselves. There's only so much happiness one can derive from a large house near the beach and expensive sports cars.

I'm prompted to discuss this issue by a recent newspaper article on the plight of rich divorcees: 'Dating Tips for Uptown Divorcées: Middle-Aged Millionaires Are Just Not That Into You' in The New York Observer (6/25). American women divorce not only because they can, but also because they are strongly encouraged to do so, fueled by visions of endless days of carefree happiness and lunches with girlfriends over Salad Niçoise and chardonnay and exotic travel with sexy young hunks. 'Eat Pray Love', in other words. But reality, of course, invariably turns out to be something a bit different. As the article states:

Where most rich divorcées fail is in assuming they can replace their husbands with a newer model pretty much like the old one. Sorry to say, this tends not to be the case. Most of the time, the divorced well-to-do male is not looking for his equal, but rather for a sexretary from the Midwest, preferably without an opinion. As one recently divorced hedge funder told me: “Being married to a smart, opinionated woman is work! Now I just want tits on a stick, a blonde wig and someone to tell me I’m great when I get home."

As you know, a successful chap with options is not going to settle for a divorced woman his own age (or older), whose bitterness and disillusionment cling to her like the odor of a freshly-used litter box.

And so the party continues.

All those divorced women, alone and lost to memory, crying cougar tears in glasses of wine.


Anonymous said...

"Most of the time, the divorced well-to-do male is not looking for his equal, but rather for a sexretary from the Midwest, preferably without an opinion. As one recently divorced hedge funder told me: “Being married to a smart, opinionated woman is work! Now I just want tits on a stick, a blonde wig and someone to tell me I’m great when I get home."

It's not just divorced men who see it this way. we should all take heed. Who really wants what I call an iron cunt?

Anonymous said...

Exactly! Why don't cannibals eat divorced women? Too bitter.

matthew mueller said...

Nice Article, LBF. Your observations are spot-on, I'd say. I personally love sleeping with older women, not because I look at them as potential long-term partners, but because they are so easy to get into the sack. I can go out any night to particular bars and be almost sure of meeting and taking home a "cougar." The situation is very different, however, with younger, college-age girls. College girls are interested only in men whom they know and who travel in their social circle. In other words, you have to work -- and work hard. You have to date them and commit to exclusivity. God I hated college! But the nightlife in big cities, with cougars and upscale wine bars, is a totally different picture.

I wouldn't look down on the cougar. They have so many advantages: You don't have to worry about them moving in; you don't have to meet their family (and all that entails); you don't have to keep in constant contact with one another (or constant monitoring, as I like to call it); etc. etc.

Some of my best experiences have been with cougars. God, I have stories, and great ones, too. Which brings me to my next point: Why don't you write stories of personal sexual encounters you have had? I have had plenty, and would love to write about them, but alas, I don't have a blog. I am sure your readers would enjoy reading some of these personal stories of yours. Nothing wrong with sharing (just keep all the names anonymous). For inspiration, I would encourage you to read Frank Harris' autobiography "My Life and Loves." He describes all his sexual encounters in great, exceeding detail. His preface correctly notes that not enough attention is given to the sexual lives of autobiographies, which is strange considering how much time we spend thinking about sex.

Anonymous said...

Interesting mystery novel, "The Golden Orange", by Joseph Wambaugh, has much the same take.

The divorcees have two main questions: "Is he 90210 rich, or Forbes Four Hundred rich?", and, "Can I get him to abrogate the prenup before his dental assistant/secretary/pizza delivery girl gets her lipstick on his dipstick?"

Makes mail-order brides start looking like a real bargain.

Appallingly Crap said...

The one on the right is obviously a man, you silly fellow. Hope you spotted that before it was too late (a la 'Triple Echo'). Otherwise, I think your hedge funder blokey might profitably reflect on 'Stepford Wives'. Or not.

Anonymous said...

The one on the right is just another titless wonder who thinks she's all that.

Cyprian Korzeniowski said...

Then they get murdered by the Algerian or low caste subcontinental they've taken up with on an oh so exotic new age pilgrimage.

GSL said...

I said very early on that Sex & The City would doom a generation of women which several of my longtime female acquaintances would now ruefully acknowledge. They would have been far better off huddling to view the Caesar's Wife instructional videos.

Anonymous said...

They don't yell, they don't swell, and they're grateful as hell.

Anonymous said...

Monogamy recapitulates monotony, Recapitulates misogamy,
Recapitulates misogyny.

...and so it goes.

w. adam mandelbaum esq. said...

Bravo on this posting! Take the fresh paint off of a rotting post, and you have a wooden object in search of support.

J.W. said...

Well... as a 'second wife' I hesitate to comment. That said,as my 'present' husband (who was an equity partner in the largest law firm in the world) has told me... in his first year of law school he was told "Blood is thicker than water, but money is thicker than blood." Better, that at you gentlemen's time of life, that you find a mature woman that you can enter in a contract with, and who is willing to fulfill it as you AGE, than hang out at Mille Fleur in Rancho Santa Fe demeaning yourselves with 20-year-olds who wrap you around their little fingers and leave you confused at the bar, no matter how much money you have.


J.W. said...

It would be better that you 'prizes' consider the following...my ' second' husband, who is an equity partner in the largest law firm in the world, told me that, in his first year of law school, he was told "Blood is thicker than water, but money is thicker than blood." Better to enter into a contract with a mature woman you can count on than your 'family' when you are no longer 'hot.'

That said, I really enjoy your blog.

Laguna Beach Fogey said...

J.W. ~ Good suggestion. But I'm at the point where I'm wrapping 20-30-year olds around my finger and leaving them confused at the bar, no matter how pretty they are. A man with options should act as such. And options include those final acts that would preclude a mature woman--or any woman or man for that matter--supporting me when I'm no longer 'hot,' whatever the fuck that means. You modern people act as if you're going to live forever.

J.W. said...

Well, at my age...thank you for the complement of "modern!"

Do enjoy your blog though.

Anonymous said...

Sigh, I have just sat down from doing household stuff. My girls are screaming and climbing but I'm declaring a break! Anyway, I read your post. I think you are 'spot-on' regarding keeping your sexual exploits private. If you were to post them, then this would become a different kind of blog. Besides, they probably wouldn't match my sweet imagination (Paul Simon).

True, cougars over 40 are often bitter and some of them have good reason to be. If only they could learn how to let go, then they would be happy with the beach house and the expensive car and lots of designer clothes--man or no man.

I would say to go easy on her. However, she is still capable of breaking hearts---regardless of age. BTW, you should write more. I realize you are obviously busy with the ladies, but pictures aren't always worth a thousand words.

Anonymous said...

Just always use protection --- a fake name!