28 May 2014

Young Love

The recent actions in Santa Barbara, according to media reports, were perpetrated by a frustrated college student who was unsuccessful with women. His problems, apparently, started at a fairly young age. The killings prompted recollections of my own childhood interactions with the opposite sex. These were, I can happily report, overwhelmingly positive.

From a very young age I was attracted to girls. Fortunately it was reciprocated. Today there are too many girls to remember by name. There were a couple of girls in my neighbourhood, including the cute heiress of a family of well-known New York supermarket moghuls. My recent Interwebz research indicates her current looks hardly justify my early interest, more proof (as if more were needed) that the ageing process is much harsher for women than it is for men.

In what was apparently my earliest sexual harassment case, in 3rd grade I was reported to the teacher for kissing the girls, which resulted in my father sitting me down and having a talk. He explained, as best as I can recall, that girls do not appreciate being kissed without being asked first. It struck me as nonsense, for much of my experience with them up to then involved them initiating contact with me.

As expected, this didn't put much of a damper on my girl-chasing activities. In fact the girls were all too eager to kiss me and show me their goods, which resulted in my being made quite aware at an early age of the peculiarities of the female anatomy. In suburban New Canaan, Connecticut in the 4th grade, at the risk of sounding vulgar, fingering was the done thing.

I do remember, however, the names--and other details--of a couple of teenage babysitters, as well as those of a beautiful young exiled Persian nanny. Which are topics for a future column.


Anonymous said...

I remember at a young age being hyper-sexual, staying up all night dry fucking the carpet after seeing Catwoman (Julie Newmar). Her evil...

My experience is prob comparable. I remember in college fucking lots of women, treating them the way they wanted it.

Women like to be told what to do, to get spanked, smacked on the ass. Fucked.

They like being controlled.

Anonymous said...

The Santa Barbara incident was terrible (understatement). The young man was a virgin at 22 (I believe)--so what?! What's wrong with that? He probably would have met a great girl at some point. 22---He was so young! And, when he did meet her, he wouldn't have had the history of messed-up relationships to pawn off on her as baggage. This fact is something she would have appreciated.

Sex can be cheapened. Perhaps that's why so many people go through their lives so unconnected, unable to find anything lasting to please their souls.

Anonymous said...

Narcissistic douchebaggery.

Stuart Bastard said...

This nutter in Santa Barbara was a half breed mental case who would most likely have remained a virgin until he used daddy's money to hire a sporting girl in Vegas or some such. I miss the days when these sad losers jumped off a bridge or something, and did not decide to kill a bunch of innocent people to gain the recognition they never would have garnered in real life.

Michael said...

The killer kid was gay. How obvious but can't be discussed.

Anonymous said...


It's obvious you're a bitter, old spinster.

I can't see how a man would get mad at this post unless he was full of envy or resentment.

Breck Mac said...

My word, Admiral. You actually attended one of those co-educational schools, as a child?
I should have thought that you went to a proper English public school for boys and had a warm and loving anal relationship with several headmasters who helped you develop that supercilious writing style that you deem aristocratic. Only upon graduation, I imagined, did you discover the pleasures of nubile female flesh.

Podsnap said...


Stacey McCain called the Elliott Rodger killings a cultural Rashomon where each different interest group interpreted the event in a way which fit their own preconceptions.

You are the only commenter so far to use this toxic virgin's murder spree to expatiate on your own amazing ability to fuck a lot of women.

Kudos to you Fogey. Glad to see you didn't let this incident distract you from recounting tales of your own magnificence.

P.S sign me up for the calendar when it comes out.

Greencoat said...

When I was 22 I too had few friends and couldn't get a girl to save my life.

I just shrugged and joined the public library.

w. adam mandelbaum esq. said...

more proof (as if more were needed) that the ageing process is much harsher for women than it is for men.
Yes, it appears that the journey from mommy to mummy is a rather rapid one for our female friends. 'Tis meet and just.