Beard Report: Outstanding

As you may have heard, my beard has been turning heads in the street, literally. It's a most amusing spectacle. I wanted to share it with you. Of course it may be my height, build, and general all-around fogey awesomeness, but I suspect it's the beard that continues to attract the attention of strangers and passersby. Admirers include both females and males, which, as I've written before, I attribute to beard envy. It infuriates my ladyfriends when we're out. That, I have to admit, is a large part of the fun.

Beard Effect

Wax Fax

(sans beard)

The Southern California summer proceeds apace.

In recent weeks the salt water and sun have taken quite a toll on my Saxon-blond moustache and beard. Which are, I can report to you, still attracting increasing public attention.

Still, issues remain. In light of which, can any readers of this column recommend a suitable brand of facial hair wax to keep the chap-wool under tight control?

Many thanks in advance.

Sent from my iPhone

Bearded Furor

"I love the beard," she said to me as we walked to one of our regular cocktail establishments in Newport Beach. Tables of diners dotted the patio. Young surfers and their girls rode by on beach cruisers, boards in hand. "It looks hot."

She continued: "But don't think I don't notice all these women checking you out."

"Of course they do," I replied. "But I don't pay attention to that sort of thing."

Well, not quite. I knew that a moment ago, a young red-headed hottie did a double-take as I walked by her table. And the previous night while we were out, I received maximum eye-contact from the local girls, which made her visibly agitated.

This has been happening a lot recently.

I attribute it to the beard.

As you know, for the last two months I've been growing out my beard. It's now fairly long [think: Commander Whitehead], and sports an intriguing mixture of blonde, red, and brown colours. My blonde moustache, in particular, is getting quite long, Hussar-style, and I'm sure I'll soon be able to wax it.

As you're no doubt aware, beards (and tattoos) have become quite common amongst the hipster set. It's an attempt, I think, to look edgy and masculine. But these young men tend to be rather skinny and unassuming. Beards often look awry on them.

The only men therefore who should be allowed to wear beards are tall, muscular chaps who look as if they could take care of themselves down a dark alley after midnight. But that's just me.

She tells me it's unique and that she hasn't seen any other chaps around with similar facial hair. Which is true.

"You look like one of those guys from Vikings," she pointed out, referring to the History Channel televisual show.

Sometimes, as she explained to me, beards just look better on some men than on others.

Indeed.

Beards I Like

A Cossack volunteer in the first Chechen War

Brylcreem: Brilliantly Classic

"It's Bryl!"

After popping into my local gentleman's barber for a quick touch-up, I noticed on the shelf that Brylcreem have recently updated their packaging (at left). It has a nice retro feel to it. And as you know, retro is all the rage these days.

Brylcreem has been around since 1928. I've been wearing it off and on since the late 1980s. It has a very distinctive odour, which I find pleasantly reassuring. I've dated women who said it provokes memories of their father. That might not be a good thing if you have designs on their panties, but I persevere anyway.

As you know, I favour a nice tight short hairstyle with the front slicked back or to the side. It seems to have caught on among the youth. In recent years I've noticed a lot of younger chaps with short back-n-sides haircuts and pompadours, which they comb back with cream or gel. I suspect part of Brylcreem's strategy is is to increase their share of this market. Best of luck to them. In local surf towns, the hair product of choice seems to be Hawleywood's Layrite Deluxe Pomade.

Brylcreem remains a classic of grooming accoutrements for chaps.

A Word on Beards and Hipsters

The evening chill descends on my beachfront neighbourhood like a tiresome guest at a cocktail party. I sit on my balcony and sip a glass of Argentine malbec, enjoying the sound of the pounding surf. An unsettling thought suddenly occurs to me. For all of my hostility towards the hipsters, I realize, I actually share quite a number of similarities with them.

These are, for the most part, merely superficial. Flannel shirts and denim? I've been wearing them for years, although mine are probably laundered more frequently. Horn-rimmed spectacles? Been there, done that, about to do it again. Short back-n-sides or clipped haircut? Ditto, and you can check it out for yourself on this blog. Beard? Yes, it's well-documented, recently, too.

Important differences exist. For one, I don't have any tattoos, although I'm not particularly hostile to the idea. The other thing is, where hipsters often try to look like woodsmen, I actually have the physique of a lumberjack. Most of the hipsters I've seen are small, wiry young fellows. It's not their fault, though; I applaud them for trying. And finally, as you know, I thoroughly loathe bow-ties.

This comparison, I believe, was subconsciously prompted by a recent article at The Atlantic on beards. The piece in question essentially labelled as 'racist' European-American men who sport facial hair, such as yours truly. Reviewing the history of beards in America, it is an amusing piece of research, and reading it one would be hard-pressed to determine if the author, Sean Trainor, is being entirely serious. I suspect he is.

Anti-beardism, I would argue, is simply the result of lesser-male jealousy. Beard envy, if you will. A beard practically roars masculinity. It is blatant testament to the inequality between the sexes, and, one might add, among the races. And if one combines it with height, weight-lifting and the right attitude, it's bound to alarm the smooth-cheeked mangina contingent. All of these combine to produce a powerful rebuke to the prevailing ideology of egalitarianism.

One might go further. Bearded hipsterdom itself in a way represents a reclamation of masculine style and masculine pastimes. It is a carving-out of a masculine space in an increasingly feminized world. I would add here that there is a deep undercurrent of European-American identity in this project, however strongly hipsters and others might deny it. Note the appropriation of their forefathers' clothing, the dedication to old-school grooming, the taking-up of antiquated crafts and vocations. One might go on.

All of this, of course, is too great a shock to the fogey system and merits no more than a few moments' worth of reflection.

I pour another glass of wine, pull my Barbour quilted jacket around myself, and glare into the darkness.

Beard On

As you may have heard, the beard is back. (No hipster). It's a thick number in blonde, red, and brown, entirely in keeping with my Norse lineage. Beard will out. It's easy to maintain. I simply trim it every 3 weeks or so to keep the bewhiskered awesomeness in check. I have zero tolerance for badly-behaved beards. I'm consistently surprised at the attention it garners from the ladies, which can be blatant. And--as more than one observant girlfriend has remarked to me--from some of the younger smooth-cheeked chaps as well. Chalk it up to beard envy.

Beards I Like

A Proper Haircut

Note: Short-back-and-sides

 

Important Announcement

In an exclusive report I can now reveal here that after much deliberation I have decided to grow out my eyebrows.

They are already longer and blonder than the hair on my head and have received admiring glances from the ladies.

Progress report to follow.

Badger & Blade

Blue Beard

Pipe & Razor Club

Major Hoad On Cologne

Morning Routine

I've long believed a well-ordered life is essential to contentment and success. Good habits, as Aristotle tells us, lead to virtue. With this in mind the other evening I was reading my unique hand-autographed copy of American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. The following passage came to my notice:

"My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial masque which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion."

I can identify with Patrick's daily regimen. My morning starts with a cup of tea before 5:30AM whilst I read the news or listen to CNBC. In warmer weather I'll swim 30 laps in the semi-olympic-sized pool, followed by 200 stomach crunches, 40 bicep curls, and 20 overhead shoulder presses, depending on my schedule. I aim for a lean, muscular physique; it doesn't require much effort to show definition. During colder months or when I'm feeling like it, I'll head to the local gym for 30 minutes on the ergometer or treadmill. If I wake up with a woman, I may substitute my regular routine with a round or two of vigorous sex, which works my pecs, abs, and glutes. And prostate.

In the shower I apply various body washes; my favourite at the moment is Neutrogena. My after shave lotion is by L'Occitane, which I've been using for several years. I supplement it throughout the day with frequent applications of aloe moisturising lotion with UV protection. Moisturiser is essential, as I spend quite a bit of time in the sun and water. The benefit of using it, I find, is that my bronzed skin has remained so healthy and young-looking that colleagues and girls think I'm several years younger than I actually am. In addition I wear at all times sunscreen with SPF 30 and vitamin E.

I top off my routine with a dose of scent from Creed, Truefitt & Hill, Royall, or, more recently, Acqua di Parma.

Do you have a morning routine, and if so, what is it?

A Guide To Facial Hair Types

Rugby Beards

Beard you like? I do. The word sur la rue is that I've grown a beard. It's true, I have done. It's a trimmed model with a reddish-blonde exterior, not unlike that of the chap in the middle of the photo (at left). I've received many positive comments on it, especially from the ladies. What they're thinking, I've no idea. (If you're a chapette and approve of beards, please submit an explanatory comment). Me, I simply wanted to change it up a bit, to effect the Wall Street-meets-Mountain Man look, or, as my chums keep pointing out, the 'Most Interesting Man In The World'. The look, I've been told, suits me quite well.

A Guide To Facial Hair Types

Hair By Cougar

I could never be a bartender. Not only would I drink the merchandise, but I could never tolerate the customers' nonsense and bullshit stories. Too much talking, not enough drinking. Just shut the fuck up and drink. And while you're at it, get a fucking life. Barbers must feel the same way. The woman who cuts my hair is a hot Vietnamese cougar. She must be well into her late 40s or early 50s, but with the curves, hair, and lips of a much younger woman. She sports subtle blonde highlights in her medium-length hair, which I've always interpreted without fail as a sign of an Asian woman's interest in European men. I've no interest in Asian women myself, but female magic in action from whatever source is lovely to behold. She has a soft, sweet, lisping accent. The effect is utterly charming. As you know, my hair is cropped according to the traditional Prussian configuration--#1.5 on the back and sides and #3 on top. She accuses me of being a cop, soldier, or nazi...and then she laughs. We go through this routine every other time I visit her. The last time I saw her she had a black eye on her left side, which she endeavoured to cover up with loads of make-up. It didn't work.