05 April 2010

Against Sideburns

As I have previously disclosed in this column, there are few things that drive me to anger more than the sight of sideburns. Now normally I am a friendly sort of chap: chummy, affable, incredibly good-looking, the kind of guy you think you would enjoy having a drink with (that is, until the conversation reveals we have absolutely nothing in common). It is rare that I lose my prep cool in a way that would make Greenwich debutantes run for cover. But temptation does approach me, frequently in the form of sideburns on the face of a smarmy hipster or perfumed player in denim. Sideburns on a man, I believe, are a red flag, a provocative act, a declaration of war, and as such an occasion for us to judge and condemn. They are a serious failure of good taste for which forgiveness can rarely be offered. Sideburns, in short, leave me hot under the collar of my Brooks Brothers OCBD. Am I being unjustifiably harsh? Perhaps. But it is for your own good. Sideburns are a leading cause of impotence and low sperm count. So avoid them. Your future depends on it.

11 comments:

ADG said...

Yep. They remind me of that unpleasant decade...the '70's when sensible men suddenly grew them-wore turtlenecks with polyester leisure suits. Damn.

I am though, all for low sperm count.

Anonymous said...

Come down off that horse of height, sir.

OldSchool said...

Hear! Hear!

Couldn't agree more.

Lisa said...

What about beards?

Anonymous said...

Negative. Consider the dashing gentlemen of Regency England. J.M.W. Turner & Co.

~Hilton

John J. said...

My modest sideburns and I beg to differ. And I really doubt they'd cause you much offense if we were to meet.

Belle de Ville said...

Yes, they are a sign of hipster/steam punk affectation but I'd take sideburns over a moustache any day.

Laguna Beach Trad said...

Lisa ~ I like beards and moustaches, in season.

Anonymous said...

Old School took the words right out of my mouth.

I couldn't agree with you more.

One possible exception: If one will be attending a theme party, and the theme is "trailer park," "red neck," etc. one might grow them temporarily.

longwing said...

Most provocative.

Anonymous said...

You obviously don't have the requisite testosterone to grow any you upper class privelged inbred. Jealousy is a terrible thing.