23 June 2011

On Baldness

They say bald is beautiful. I would add, it is bold too.

I'm not bald myself, you understand. I've a slight widow's peak, true, but that's all. So far, anyway. And yes, in the past I've shaved my hair to gain speed on the squash court. Today I keep it clipped short to the point where, as I've mentioned before, I'm often asked if I'm a cop or a Russian gangster. What's up with that?

If I were to start losing hair, I would keep the remnant very short, cropped in the Punk- or Prussian-style. There's no use in disguising the natural and inevitable.

I abhor long hair on men. I think there's something unmanly about long hair. It doesn't look right. I suppose it's fine on young pretty boys, or the Irish, but as chaps age short hair is more appropriately masculine.

Women often prefer long-haired blokes because they appear young, soft, and non-threatening. This fact probably accounts for the absurd lengths to which some balding men go to preserve their hair, or at least the appearance of hair.

If you're a man and you're starting to go bald, you should immediately break out the shears and crop it. Now. If you don't, I will.

I have to admit, I've always been drawn to bald men. Not in a sexual way of course, but because of their approach to life. Bald men exhibit what I call a swaggering "I don't give a shit attitude" that seems to say: "Yeah, I'm bald, bitchez. So what? Deal with it. If you don't like it, then fuck off."

That's the essence!

It's a well-known scientifical fact that baldness is due to a surfeit of testosterone. In other words, what bald chaps lose in hair they gain in todger size. Keep this in mind, ladies, the next time you're approached by a grinning baldie.

There are three bald men in my life and each of them is an inveterate ladies' man. One of the bald chaps is a fit gent in his mid-60s with whom I've played lawn tennis. Every time I see him he's with a different hot girl. Hired tottie or not, I suppose it's the urge that matters.

Go, baldie, go!


Anonymous said...

Keeping the remaining hairs short is the only course of action for those of us with the curse of extra testosterone.

Comb-overs are for the socially and sexually insecure, the sort of "men" covered in tatoos and gaudy jewelry. In another time, this kind would have worn both suspenders (certainly not braces) and a belt.

A.E.F. said...

Admiral, ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!

Anonymous said...

Comb-overs, hair pieces, and dyed hair. Each worse than the other.

In my twenties, could scarcely wait for hairline to recede, and later looked forward to salt and pepper hair, and greying at the temples.

Anonymous said...

Bald sucks.

Styles Bitchley said...

Years ago I was reminded that the German word "bald" means "soon" and so always wore my hair accordingly.

Gorilla Bananas said...

It amazes me that a virtually hairless primate like homo sapiens should attach such importance to its few remaining tufts. I slapped the heads of several bald men during my circus career. Both they and I enjoyed it.

Anonymous said...

Bald is badass.

Derek Warren said...

What say you and your readers of hair transplants (good ones)?

Osbert II said...

There are no good hair transplants. Ask Joe Biden.

Daniel-Halifax said...

I never knew that about the testosterone, but that explains ALOT! I started loosing it when I was 21 and have just kept it cropped ever since. Most don't even notice my lack of hair due to my light color, but I actually my "Sinaed" cut.