30 December 2010

New Year's Resolutions 2011 (Part 1)

As monsoon clouds continue to gather in the distance, it is time to think seriously about adopting a course of preparation and self-improvement. In the months and years ahead we will be tested not only physically and spiritually, but also sartorially. I am sharing the following list with you as a recommended set of guidelines. Read it carefully. Become a lean mean Tweed machine. The coming liberating crisis will require nothing less. Dandy up, gents!

(1) Work on your tan ~ A deep glow indicates good health, sporting prowess, and an outdoors lifestyle--or simply that you passed out at the pool after one too many cocktails. Don't worry: you'll never be mistaken for one of our sun-kissed friends/servants. But don't get too dark or they'll think you've gone native. Tan lines are sexy.

(2) Wear more Tweed ~ Almost goes without saying. The trick is to wear lightweight Tweeds, such as 'Hamish', the new Tweed for the younger man recently introduced by Harris Tweed, a more appropriate style for the Mediterranean climate of Southern California. Pair it with dress shirts in white or cream and sober ties in solid colours or subtle foulard.

(3) Drink more tea ~ The two or three gallons you already consume daily now are insufficient to maintain the level of vigour to which your chums, associates, and lady-friends have grown accustomed. Consider doubling daily intake in 2011. Avoid anything herbal or Chinese.

(4) Drink less alcohol - Be honest. The painful burning sensation in the lower right side of your torso is not the result of the 750 sit-ups you complete each week, but rather your liver telling you "Enough is enough!" Give a chap a break. The same goes for codeine. Unless you score a really good deal.

(5) Keep rocking Prep style ~ Prep is your sartorial home for casual wear--and don't you forget it. You were practically born in polo shirt, madras shorts, and boat shoes. Your patrician looks and diplomatic bearing make Prep a natural style for you, now more than ever, at a time when every pug-faced outsider and snub-nosed Johnny Foreigner seems to have adopted it as his own. Show the kids how it's done. Oh, and make an effort to stop using the hipster-ghetto verb "rock" as in "Check out Admiral Cod rocking it in his Vineyard Vines..." It's so 2008.

(6) Regain your Adonis-like physique ~ Summer's almost here. And that means more time hanging out at the beach and resort pool. The sight of your bare broad chest and muscular thighs in Billabong board shorts once made young women's jaw drop and cougars squirm uncomfortably in their chaise lounge. The events of the last eighteen months, however, placed gym work-outs low on your list of priorities. A renewed dedication is called for. See (4) above. Make it a top priority in 2011.


Ford said...

We can expect a part 2?! Believe you summed it up rather nicely in one. Never been one for resolutions, of any sort really, though your post got me thinking that this year I might just give it a go. Cheer to short-lived self-improvement!

James said...

You had me right up to #6. I'm afraid my Adonis boat sailed about 25 years ago, never to be seen again.

Anonymous said...

"Lean mean tweed machine" has to be Harris' new ad campaign of 2011!

Anonymous said...

Cougars squirmming uncomfortably. That's a vision to ring in the New Year with!

Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!

A.E.F. said...

Admiral, how august! And I'm quite sure you'll have realised impressive results by August...

jeune_premier said...

I love this post!
I wish you a happy new year and keep up with this writing style!

heavy tweed jacket said...

One aims at being a lean tweed machine, but needs to work on the tan. Better on the others.
More Tweed - ✓
More Tea - ✓ (inveterate drinker)
Drink less - ✓ (Weekends)
'Rocking' Prep Style - ✓ (Where? In my rocking chair?)
Exercise - ✓ (1,000 crunches a week)
All the best to you in the New Year.

Belle de Ville said...

"Lean mean tweed machine"
God I love the way your write.

Daniel-Halifax said...

Oh dear this is hysterical!!

And I have such a hard time with looking like the servants when tan. Blast my sliver of Italian ancestry! One walk from the car to the villa has me looking like a Giuseppe..